Bert ~

Indeed, salt of the 'earf he was, like a whisper from a kitten he was, like licking a stamp he was, like drinking eggnog from a glass slipper he was, a true gent he was, he was the best of 'em, could hold his own he could, like a fish wife he was, a grasping bleeder he was, a sandy little cockamooch he was, walked the distance he did, liked the road he did, was a jumping arse he was, a fighting man's slagger he was, like a diamond in an alsatian's vagina he was, a dribbler, a whacked out drunken shit bag of a man he was, loved the rope he did, didn't mind tying the lace he didn't, he walked like two men he did, he was always several inches too short he was, like a stallion's gooch he was, a ribbed nightmare to the unbeliever he was, several sheets cut to the wind he was, a box of elbows he was, the best of 'em, always had a finger for a man, always had a slight leer on a wednesday he did...old Bert.
Bert ~ by ASAP 

3 men, 1, 2 and 3 sat on chairs respectively ~

1 : Good Bert
2 : Good old Bert
1 : Good old Bert

Pause

1: Salt of the 'earf.
2: A gent.
1: Don't make 'em like that anymore.
2: Don't they?
1: No.

Pause

1: Always had a kind word...
2: Wouldn't say boo to a goose...
1: No, wouldn't scare a goose for no reason.
2: Not unless he needed to.
1: True.

Pause

1: When did he need to?
2: That Christmas market.
1: The rugby club social.
2: That's the one.
1: The goose had it coming.
2: Wouldn't get off the stage.
1: Still, didn't ruin Bert's rendition of 'My Way'.
2: Good old Bert.
1: Spring chicken he was.
2: Make you a sandwich he would.
1: And did.
2: Would eat it too.
1: Right infront of you.
2: Fine man, honest man.
1: The last of the honest men.
2: The first of 'em.
1: The middle of 'em.

Pause

2: Loved a bet.
1: Oh yes, loved a bet.
2: But only if it as a sure thing.
1: Oh no, didn't waste his money.
2: Or spend it.
1: Or actually placed a bet.
2: Oh, no, well he wasn't the betting sort.
1: Mug's game
2: Any game.
1: Good old Bert
2: Salt of the 'earf.
1: A real man's man's man's
2: Man.

Pause

2: Liked it rough he did.
1: Could take it mind.
2: Women loved him.
1: Shagged my wife.
2: Aye, and yours too.

Pause

1: Didn't mind though.
2: It was Bert.
1: It was Bert.
2: Always had a hankie for a lady...
1: Always had a lathe for a carpenter...
2: Could always be found grooming a priest...
1: Salt of the 'earf.
2: A real gent.
1: Sadly missed.
2: Sadly
1: Missed.
2: Bert.

Pause

2: Remember when he saved that busload of kids?
1: ...yes...
2: You know, the bus driver had lost control of the bus and it hung precariously on the edge of the bridge? Bert flew up and saved them all!

Pause

1: That was the movie 'Superman'

Pause

2: Bert loved a good film
1: Aye, loved life
2: Bert
1: Bert

Pause

3: He owed me hundreds

Pause

1: And me
2: Me too

1: Bastard.